Being a Mom

I actually didn't know how to start this one, I just wanted to share my thoughts on being a mom myself.

Well, I must say it's a bit of every feeling you could feel when I found out I was about to be a mom in just a couple of months! Honestly, I didn't know how to be one. But, don't think that I didn't want to be one. I do. I wanted to be a mother. Though when I was younger, friends would hear from me say that I didn't want to be one. I said that because I was afraid. I was afraid I wouldn't be good enough to be a mother for my child/ren.

You see I was a stupid youngster who goes out every weekend back then. Well not really every weekend, but you know what I mean. I drink, I smoke, just a typical teenager. I didn't think much about what I say. And maybe one of the reasons I said that was also because I didn't grow up with a mother. I was raised by my Papa. Papa isn't my biological father, he adopted me when I was still in my biological mother's womb. My biological father told me he can't take care of me that time that his only solution was to give me away. My biological mother-I don't know her. I don't know anything about her. Not even her name. My biological father, on the other hand, I know him. I have met him even before I found out that he was my biological father. Papa introduced him to me as my ninong in which my biological father didn't care much that time. Papa passed away from cancer 15 years ago, and when that happened, my biological father took me and supported me with my studies and all my financial needs. We didn't have a good father-daughter relationship, yes, but I am thankful that he was able to provide me with my needs when my Papa passed away. Well, hello, he was able to do that to my other 10 siblings, so I guess it's just fair. Hahaha

It was a pretty sad story, yes, but c'mon I'm done being emo about it! Haha! I like to look at life on a positive way as much as possible from now on. Being negative on things won't help me any better. Wish I had known that in my teen years! I look at life on a negative side that time. Oohh the life of a rebel teenager. Hahaha! Looking back about it makes me cringe and laugh and ask myself "WHYYYY?!". Lol

So, with that said, I'm pretty much far from knowing on how to become a mother. So when I found out I'm having a baby, I googled on how to be a mother. I kid you not. I googled things that I need to expect, I asked friends and relatives, I read some magazines and books. I was excited and afraid. I was excited to see my baby, but afraid to deliver her. Lol I know it's complicated but that is exactly how I feel! I was afraid of the pain it'll cause, all the injections, the pushing, and of course the baby coming out of your you-know-where!

I joined GirlTalk on Female Network (it's a forum), and I was able to get some ideas on delivering a baby and all. I didn't know much about facebook groups back then, so I was just able to join when I gave birth already. This one post I read on GirlTalk was this one mother; when she delivered a baby, she didn't feel a thing! As in nothing! She fell asleep and when she woke up, her baby's there already! That is what I hoped would happen to me. But that didn't happen, it was the complete opposite. :(

So, now that I have a baby. In all honesty, it is not what you see in the movies. Like everything is smooth, and you're always pretty and little ms. sunshine to everybody. No. I was pissed almost all the time about anything and everything. I get annoyed fast. Like when I saw something I didn't like, I was like 'WTF' already. And I would always, always get angry with my husband! Even if it was not his fault most of the time! Haha! I am thankful that he's able to understand my mood swings most of the time, though sometimes he gets pikon. Hahaha! We would often fight on the most little thing possible! I was stressed. I looked ugly. Lol. But you know, all of that goes away when you look at your little one. Yes, everything. Every bad temper you have, everything. Seeing your little one just peacefully sleeping, opening their little eyes when awake, opening their little mouths, giving you their little smiles, even the sound of their cry -all of your bad temper will banish. I don't how these little humans were able to do that, but they do it very very well.

One of the things I found out about myself when I became I mom? Is that I am capable of loving someone more than my life. I never thought I have that in me! Thank you my little one for showing Mama how it is to be truly in love with someone! I love you my darling!